Michael Portillo recommends Suicide by High Altitude Chamber

...okay, we don't all have one of these in our back garden, prep'd for the next personal Spring clean. But, according to last night's HORIZON ex-M.P. Michael Portillo swears by them for the humane killing of death-row criminals.

No word of a lie. Horizon followed Mr Portillo as he first examined the alleged humaneness of modern-day capital punishment methods; hanging, electrocution, lethal injection and cyanide poisoning in gruesome detail. All worked but the possibility for excruciating pain and/or prolongued torture was a distinct possibility for all four methods. Portillo wanted to find a humane method of capital punishment that the prisoner would 'willingly partake in'.

Portillo then (like he was preparing for his interview for the UK-vacant role of Executioner General) went on an internet frenzy to track down more humane ways of "killing murderers". And ended up in the Danish Airforce's high altitude chamber experiencing for himself the deadly-yet-euphoria-inducing HYPOXIA of rapid decompression at 40,000 feet. He was loving it, he was cocky, a right charmer. And when he'd answered enough questions wrong due to oxygen starvation and was told to "press that button to restart your oxygen or you'll die." a number of times his response was to sit there like a tranquil herbivore enjoying his demise.

And this is where it gets interesting for all those wanting to organise a Suicide Party. Forget Helium and the squeeky voices, the real party to off yourselves with has a main course of Nitrogen. This gas that makes up 70% of our atmosphere works in a similar way to high altitude hypoxia, and they showed this by feeding a pig apples in a gas tent. Carbon monoxide (that's for people killing themselves by pumping the car's exhaust in through the sealed window) is quite an irritant. Pig no like. Pig run away. But pig love to eat apples in a nitrogen/argon rich environment. After pig fall out of gas tent in a drunken stagger, pig go back in to finish off apples. Finish off pig.

One could suggest that maybe Portillo had taken shares in Nitrogen production plants before submitting his final footage for the show but it was all very strange, morbidly fun. And though SUICIDE was never mentioned, death by party nitrogen mask did seem to be the perfect way to go. Were you that way inclined.